Hogwarts Goes Ghetto
by hp-coconut
Summary: Harry's a pimp, Hermione's a gangsta, Ron's a pothead, and Neville's a rappa? The title pretty much says it all. my first humor fic so please don't flame. Please R&R!
1. Budget Cuts

Harry went into the Gryffindor common room with Ron and Hermione after the sorting ceremony of his sixth year. Harry was a little upset because most of the first years had been sorted into Slytherin, that would hurt Gryffindor's chances at the House Cup. He walked up to the Pink Lady and waited for Hermione to say the password. But she didn't. Harry and Ron both looked over at her. She just stood there in a moody kind of way.  
  
'Well.' Ron said at last. 'Are you gonna say the password or what?'  
  
'Don't look at me!' Hermione screamed. 'Why you to get the damn password once!' Harry and Ron looked at Hermione in shock. Did she just say damn? What the hell is going on here? Harry looked up at the Pink Lady.  
  
'Can you just let us in?' Harry pleaded.  
  
'Sorry, no password, no entry.' she replied. But, they were saved by the arrival of Professor McGonagall.  
  
'What are you three doing out here?' she asked sharply.  
  
'We're having a tea party.' Hermione said sarcastically. She was still all moody. 'What does it look like?'  
  
'Miss Granger!' McGongall said, outraged. 'Why, I never! The password is Fairy Dust. Now, get inside!' The portrait opened up and they walking inside, Professor McGonagall with them.  
  
'Miss Granger, please get all of the girls who are still awake down in the common room. You two,' she said to the boys, 'get the awake boys.' They did as they were told, Hermione a little bit nastier (sure. but you just couldn't get them, you should have to!). They came back downstairs with nearly all of Gryffindor, but not all. Neville, and a couple first years were asleep.  
  
'Now, I have some news to give you all.' McGonagall started, looking at the tired crowd. 'Hogwarts as made a few buget cuts this year. Most of the Mistries funds have went to the war, so Hogwarts has to make a few sacrifices. These include less potion ingrediants for the students, less food during meals, less Divination things like crystal balls, and less books in the library. I'm sorry, we had to sell some of the books and crystal balls.' All the students looked at McGonagall, was this some kind of joke? How could a magical school run out of money?  
  
'Yeah, but most of the stuff we have runs off of magic, right?' A second year asked. Many nodded in agreement.  
  
'Yes, but some of it is not. For instance, we had to dismiss some of the house-elves, we can't afford to feed all of them.' McGonagall spoke grimly. 'Now, all of you go to bed. There will still be lessons tomorrow.' They all went to their dormintries, discussing the budget cuts. Hermione, who was still moody, didn't seem to even care about the budget cuts.  
  
'Hermione,' Ron said cautiously. 'Don't you care that there will be less books?'  
  
'Why the fuck would I care?' she snapped.  
  
'Hermione, what's gotten into you?' Harry said at last. 'Did something happen over the summer?'  
  
'Kinda.' Hermione confessed. For the first time all day she suppressed a tiny smile. 'I met a boy. His name's Tyrone, he's amazing. Just moved from the States.' Ron and Harry exchanged uneasy looks that Hermione didn't notice. They made a silent agreement that this boy was what the states would call, ghetto.  
  
'Well, I'm happy for you.' Harry said, not wanting Hermione to blow up again. 'I'm off to bed.'  
  
'Me too.' Ron said.  
  
'Lata.' Hermione said holding up a peace sign and going the other way.  
  
'Okay, that was scary.' Ron said to Harry.  
  
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*  
  
The next day, Harry and Ron got up early for lessons. And to see what the budget cuts did to the castle. It was a little dirtier, as there were less house elves. Also, a bit colder. The house elves weren't there to start the fires anymore. Well, not all the ones in the castle. At breakfast, there was only a little shortage of food. Nothing that you could notice right away at least. Harry thought that most or all of the house elves were in charge of food. Hermione, who didn't come down when Harry and Ron waited, came to the Great Hall a little while later, looking much different. Her robes fit her more tightly this year, they hadn't noticed yesterday. Also, her hair wasn't bushy. It was in perfectly gelled curls, pulled to the side of her head in a pony tail.  
  
'Er, hey, Hermione.' Ron said as she walked up to them.  
  
'Sup, boo?' Hermione said, holding out a fist. 'Well, don't leave me hangin!'  
  
'Er, alright.' Harry held out his fist too, and since he didn't know what to do, just left it there. Hermione hit the top, bottom, then face of his fist.  
  
'Alright, dawg, what we got first?' she said, she seemed to be losing her british accent.  
  
'Er, we have Care of Magical Creatures.' Ron said, handing Hermione her time table. 'With the Slytherins.'  
  
'Dat's coo' Hermione stated, walked over to her chair and slumped in it. She began to eat some scrambled eggs. Then, the three of them left to Hagrid's Hut.  
  
'Yo, dawg.' Hermione whispered, reaching inside her pocket. 'Looks what Tyrone gave me.' She pulled out, a joint. 'I's learned to roll them n everythin dawg! Damn, this shit is good!' She lit the joint with her wand and puffed away.  
  
'Hermione!' Harry said, trying to make a grap at the joint. 'You can't have that!'  
  
'Don't worry, dawg. You's can have some too.' She handed him the joint. Harry looked at it in disgust and gave it to Ron. Then, Ron did the most daring thing, he puffed it.  
  
'Damn, this shit is good!' Ron exclaimed, taking another puff. 'You hafta hit this shit, Harry!'  
  
'Yea Harry!' Hermione agreed. 'C'mon, pussy!'  
  
'You two can have it, I'm fine.' Harry said, leaving the two behind. He looked around so he could find someone else to hang out with, and spotted Seamus and Dean.  
  
'Hey, guys.' Harry said as he walked up to them.  
  
'Hi, Harry.' Seamus greeted.  
  
'Hey.' Lavender said in a seductive way. Harry, who had always thought Lavender was hot, got a little bit nervous.  
  
'Omigosh!' Parvati squealed. 'Hi, Harry.' she said in another seductive voice. Harry was going to explode.  
  
'Hey.' He said in a kind of monotone voice. The two girls walked over to him, one on either side.  
  
'So, Harry, did you hear about the little party I'm throwing in Gryffindor Tower next week?' Lavender asked, hanging all over Harry. 'It's for my birthday. McGonagall gave me permession. I'd just love if you'd come.'  
  
'I'd love to.' Harry said. putting his arm around the two girls.  
  
'Hey look! Harry's a pimp!' Ron said, pointing to Harry. Immediantly, two other Gryffindor girls and one Slytherin, all very hot, ran over to Harry. Harry could hardly take it. He took Lavender into the forest before Hagrid came out, all the other girls looked at him with sad eyes.  
  
'Ohhhhh.' the girls complained.  
  
'Don't worry, I'll be back.' Harry reassured. Malfoy stared at all of this in disbelif.  
  
'Hey, where's Harry?' Hagrid said as he walked out of his hut.  
  
'He's sick.' Seamus said, laughing with Dean. Just then, Neville came running towards Ron.  
  
'Guess what guys!' he said excitedly. 'I found something I'm good at!'  
  
'Really.' Ron said in a half-concerned voice. He was still smoking 'What?'  
  
'Rapping! Just watch.' Neville said. 'N to the E to the ville my ryhmes, they can kill! I'm betta than a pill! I got bad ass skill with the biggest thrill! Don't mess with me cause I'll mess you up! The girls all come as I shout What'sup!? I'm the cutest pup with the biggest cup! And I can keep it up! I can go on and on, I might neva stop! But I gotta i gotta end the crop, I gotta make it drop! Fuck you, bitch, now I'm gonna stop!'  
  
'That's some killa shit dawg!' Hermione said, yet again putting out her fist. But Neville knew what to do, because he's a bad ass rappa... dawg. 


	2. Potions is Gay, Bitches

The next day, Harry woke up with Parvati by his side. He looked at her in surprise at first, but then remembered that he had invited her up the night before. He smiled at her and she smiled back, and they were at it again. (Don't worry, they used protection!) Dean and Seamus sneaked out of the room, thinking they didn't want to see that. Ron was still fast asleep, a lit joint on his bedside table. But he soon woke up to moans and screams of 'Oh, Harry! Harry!' he just took his joint and went down to the common room. Neville woke up soon after Ron.  
  
'Fo shizzle, Harry.' He said and went downstairs. Once Harry and Parvati were done, they quickly got dressed and went downstairs. There, Ron and Hermione were having a fight.  
  
'Hermione, you're white!' Ron screamed, a joint in hand (when is he ever without a joint?).  
  
'Hey! I'm white chocolate!' Hermione screamed. Some thrid years that were watching started to snicker.  
  
'You all best shut yo mouth befo I bust a cap in yo ass!' Hermione screamed to the thrid years. They quickly shut up and left to breakfast. 'Dat's what I thought motha fuckas!'  
  
'Hermione, like I said, you're white!' Ron went on. 'You can't use words like that!'  
  
'You're white too! N you be smokin a joint!'  
  
'So! Weed is fer everybody!' Ron said, taking another puff.  
  
'Fuck you, bitch!' Hermione screamed and ran out the portrait hole.  
  
'Whatever.' Ron said, and sat down to smoke in peace.  
  
'Ron, you are so fucked up.' Harry said sitting down opposite Ron. Lavender and Parvati sat down on his lap.  
  
'Holy shit, I'm stoned.' Ron stated, laughing his ass off.  
  
'You're some crazy mother fucka, Ron. Hermione can beat your ass so bad.'  
  
'Whatever.'  
  
'C'mon ladies.' Harry said, putting his arms around Lavender and Parvati's waists'. They both giggled and went down to breakfast with him. There, Harry was joined by a Ginny, Gryffindor 7th year, and a Slytherin girl named Deborah in Harry's year. They all sat around Harry, admiring him. Hermione was sitting with Malfoy at the Slytherin table. They had gotten to be friends now that Hermione is a bad-ass sexy-momma gangsta.  
  
'Why the fuck is all them girls round Harry?' she said to Malfoy. 'Shit, you hotta den him! But I ain't gonna go wit him, I'm Tyrone's girl.'  
  
'I bet Harry's put a spell on them.' Malfoy suggested. He still talked like his normal british self.  
  
'Boy, I can work a wand betta than all y'all! I think I would know a fuckin spell when I saw one!' Hermione told Malfoy. 'Naw, they all just desperate.'  
  
'Is Tyrone a muggle?' Malfoy said, changing the subject.  
  
'Yeah, so? He's lovin's betta than any boy hir.'  
  
'Even mine?' Malfoy said, raising an eyebrow suductivly. Hermione looked Malfoy up and down and smiled. They ran to the Slytherin common room and started to have a little fun. Then, Dumbledore got up to talk to the students.  
  
'Everybody, I would like to pronounce a preformance. Neville would like to present his newest hit, Potions are Gay.' Neville stepped up wearing baggy jeans that would've showed half his ass had he not been wearing silk boxers that said Ne-villian on the back. He was also wearing a baggy white undershirt.  
  
'Wassup bitches!' Neville began. He began to rap about how much he hated Potions. There were lines such as 'If I can't do the magic just stick the wand up his ass-ic! No need fo Potions, alls you needs the wand motions!' and 'Potions are gay, that's what we all say! Potions are gay, we just wish they'd go away!' It ended in Snape taking 150 points away from Gryffindor but Dumbledore, who enjoyed to song so much, gave Ne-villian 500 points.  
  
'Yo, Harry!' Ne-villian the bad-ass ghetto rappa said. 'Can I have some of yo bitches?'  
  
'Ne-villian, you're good and all, but not that good.' Harry said, and moved away with his bitches.  
  
**Meanwhile, with Hermione and Malfoy**  
  
'So what are you gonna tell Tyrone?' Malfoy asked Hermione as they took a break.  
  
'What he doesn't know can't hurt him.' Hermione answered seductively. Malfoy took this as an entrance line and started making out with her.  
  
**Meanwhile, with Ron**  
  
Ron is, as usual, smoking a joint. But right now he's doing something he doesn't usually do. He's thinking about something real.  
  
'I don't know why I got mad at Hermione.' he said, smoke emitting from his mouth with every word. 'She is white chocolate! And she gave me my first joint! I'm gonna go make it up to her right now!' So he left to go find gangsta Hermione. He got as far as the Great Hall (he started in the Entrance Hall) when he forgot what he was doing, so he went to the Gryffindor Common Room. There, he saw Harry with his bitches and Neville who was rapping about how he wanted a bitch.  
  
'I can do your body good, treat it like it should, betta den Oliver Wood...' this line got the attention of about two of the girls. They went over to Neville and started hanging all over him. 'Damn straight.'  
  
'Hey, Harry.' Ron the pothead said to Harry the pimp.  
  
'Hey, Ron.' Harry the pimp said to Ron the pothead. 'Are you smoking again?'  
  
'Do you want some too?' Ron asked, holding out a bag of weed. 'I've started my own plant!'  
  
'No thanks, Ron. I don't smoke.' Harry said defiantly. All the girls immediantly started cooing about how brave and smart Harry was. 'Besides, how am I supposed to conquer Voldemort if I'm high all the time?' Everyone shuddered except Ron, who forgot who Voldemort was.  
  
'You know, Harry,' Ron began, 'You're a pussy.'  
  
'No Ron, I'm not.' Harry said calmly, 'But I got plently.' All the girls started laughing at Harry's joke.  
  
**Meanwhile with Snape**  
  
'My plan is working!' he said to his reflection (he's looking in the mirror). 'Now that Harry's a pimp I'll be able to take away all of Gryffindor's points and Slytherin will win the House Cup once again!'  
  
'Why hello, Severus,' Dumbledore said as he walked in. 'I just couldn't help overhearing your conversation with yourself as I was doing my hourly role of eavesdropping. And just to let you know, because of budget cuts, there will be no House Cup this year.'  
  
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' 


End file.
